My moviegoing philosophy is to try to find something to like in every movie I watch. Here, in no particular order, are seven films that made that extremely difficult.
Whenever I think about the worst movies I have ever seen, Torque is always one of the first that comes to mind. Talk about not being able to find anything to like in a movie. This movie isn’t even fun in a silly-action-movie, so-bad-it’s-good sort of way. It’s so bad it’s just really, really bad. It’s a braindead, plotless, terribly executed, mind-numbingly stupid Fast and Furious rip-off. Just watch this video and tell me that isn’t some of the stupidest crap you’ve ever seen. In the immortal words of Roger Ebert: “I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated it. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.” Ebert wasn’t writing about Torque, but he might as well have been.
Why, Aaron Eckhart, why? You’re such a good actor, why do you keep making crappy movies? You were so good in The Dark Knight! I haven’t seen Olympus Has Fallen, but you’re a perfect choice to play a movie president! Hell, I’d vote for you in real life! You wouldn’t even have to have a platform! You could just say, “Hey, I’m Aaron Eckhart!” and I would say HELL YES and commit some kind of voter fraud on a massive scale to give you a couple million more votes! That’s how much I like you! But The Core is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen! You did your best to make it watchable, but even you couldn’t save this crapfest!
Please Aaron, I’m begging you.
Come back to us.
Speaking of Fast and Furious rip-offs, here’s the director of the original The Fast and The Furious film trying to rip off his own damn movie. Hey, let’s make FF again, but with PLANES!! Great idea, right?
No dude, it wasn’t.
It really wasn’t.
Batman and Robin
Now here’s one that really, truly needs no introduction. This movie was so infamously bad that director Joel Schumacher freaking APOLOGIZED for how bad it was!! Bat-nipples!! Ice puns!! Everything in this movie was so inconceivably bad I have to use two exclamation points to express how bad it was!!
Perhaps even worse is that I loved this movie when I was a kid. It came out when I was ten so I think that says a lot about its target audience.
I was young and naïve!
Please don’t judge me too harshly.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
This obviously isn’t even the actual movie poster, and yet it sums up so perfectly what this movie is all about.
Whoops, where did that come from? Honestly, I have no idea.
I will defend the first Transformers movie, but Transformers 2 represents bloated Hollywood blockbuster filmmaking at its absolute worst. This and Batman and Robin are hands-down the two worst big-budget summer blockbusters I’ve ever seen. In both films, the characters are grating and obnoxious, the plots nonexistent, the action boring, the…
Gah!! How does this keep happening??
What was I saying? I don’t even remember anymore. I hate Transformers 2 so much. Ebert called it “a horrible experience of unbearable length,” which couldn’t be more accurate.
LEAVE ME ALONE MEGAN FOX!!
Getting a bit more serious for a second, it really pains me to put this one on here. Michael Mann is one of my favorite directors. Collateral in particular is one of my top-ten favorite films. Heat is a modern crime classic, and Mann’s adaptation of The Last of the Mohicans with Daniel Day-Lewis is thoroughly epic. I even enjoyed Public Enemies, as flawed as it was. Miami Vice even has the distinction of being the first R-rated film I ever saw in a theater by myself, which makes it something of a milestone in my film-going career.
If only the movie itself were as memorable. I really couldn’t tell you anything at all about the plot, because there really wasn’t one. As good of a director as he is, Michael Mann’s main priority in this film seemed to have been to give every one of his main cast members multiple shower scenes. It’s just a boring-as-hell movie, which is really disappointing since it could have made for some good trashy fun. Instead it was just overly long, overly complicated, overly serious, and ultimately forgettable.
Zack Snyder is one of the more polarizing directors working these days. The man has his share of strengths and weaknesses to be sure, but for the most part I’ve liked his movies well enough. His remake of Dawn of the Dead was actually pretty good as far as modern remakes of classic horror movies are concerned. 300 is something of a guilty pleasure and I thought Snyder’s adaptation of Watchmen was about as good a film of that book as anyone could realistically be expected to make. I’ll even defend Man of Steel against its (surprisingly many) haters, but even I have to admit that HOLY CRAP SUCKER PUNCH WAS BAD.
The plot is utterly nonsensical in ways I don’t have time to explain here. The characters have stripper-sounding names like Baby Doll, Rocket, Amber, Blondie, and Sweet Pea. The action scenes admittedly look pretty cool, even if nothing in them makes any sense. Why are these stripper-sounding gals suddenly fighting dragons, robots, giant samurai, and World War I steampunk German zombie soldiers? Who the hell knows? Because Zack Snyder directed this movie with a part of his anatomy other than his brain, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, there are seven really, really bad movies. It’s my birthday today, and my gift to myself is that I don’t have to watch any of them.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a (good) movie to…