Dear Aaron Eckhart,
Hello. My name is Colin. I’m a fan, and I am worried.
I recently watched your latest movie, I, Frankenstein, which I rented for five bucks on Xbox Live. It was so bad that I felt compelled to write this to you, because ever since The Dark Knight in 2008, you have been repeatedly squandering your not-inconsiderable talent on movies that are at best forgettable and at worst crap-awful.
I mean, look at that face. That is the face of a man who was born to be in movies. But you’re wasting it.
Seriously: look at the evidence.
Battle: Los Angeles was, I thought, a decently entertaining action movie, but it was extremely forgettable. It’s the kind of movie that evaporates from your memory the moment it’s over. I feel that it’s also worth mentioning that the late, great Roger Ebert gave this movie a rating of one-half of one star.
Erased was a movie I rented for free on Xbox Live a while back and it was so incredibly boring that I lost interest in it before it was even halfway over. To this day I could not tell you one single thing about it. Hell, you probably couldn’t either, and you starred in it!
Olympus Has Fallen was okay, but was still ultimately pretty forgettable. Although you were a pretty awesome movie president, and as I have said in a previous post, I would absolutely vote for you in real life.
And although it was pre-Dark Knight, The Core is still one of the absolute biggest piles of crap I have ever seen in my life. I’m not going to even bother doing a Google search for a poster of it because doing so would demoralize my computer so much that it would probably just spontaneously shut down and refuse to work again.
All of this brings us to I, Frankenstein, a movie so hilariously bad that I was chuckling the entire way through. I’m generally pretty good when it comes to the old Willing Suspension of Disbelief, but with I, Frankenstein I just couldn’t do it.
It’s almost as if the whole movie was an elaborate attempt to make its actors say the stupidest things imaginable whilst attempting to be as serious as possible. Let me ask you something, Aaron: was there a lot of laughter on the set of this film? Were there a lot of takes ruined by guffaws at some of the incredibly stupid lines of dialogue?
Seriously, I want to know. This is a movie in which Bill “Davy Jones” Nighy actually says “I am a demon prince,” and Miranda “Eowyn” Otto somehow manages to keep a straight face while saying “I am the High Queen of the Gargoyle Order,” an achievement for which she surely deserves some kind of award.
And the lovely Yvonne Strahovski, who has to be one of the most beautiful women in existence, gets saddled with the line “You go meet with the gargoyle queen and I’ll meet you back here in an hour,” which is a line that sounds it like came out of a supernatural version of Gray’s Anatomy or something.
The poor woman deserves better and so do you, Aaron.
The plot of the movie is something that feels like it’s been lifted from at least half a dozen other movies. The whole “secret war between supernatural and/or otherworldly forces that only a select few are aware of” thing has been done so many times before: Blade, Underworld, Van Helsing, Men in Black, hell, even The Matrix could fall into this category. Much like Frankenstein’s monster himself, the plot seems stitched together from the corpses of other, better movies, all of which are dead on arrival.
For God’s sake, two of the main characters are named Naberius and Zuriel, which sound like the names a Goth teenager would come up with for their Harry Potter fan fiction.
The movie is full of fights and special effects, but none of them resonate. Demons die in fiery orange flashes and gargoyles die in bright streaks of light, but it’s next to impossible to give a damn about any of it. None of it carries any weight at all. It really is no wonder the movie has a dismal 4% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
Look at this picture and imagine in your mind the sound of a balloon deflating, or perhaps a whoopee cushion going off, and you’ll have an idea of what watching this movie is like.
On a completely unrelated note, I just now spelled “whoopee” with two P’s, and my computer autocorrected it to have only one P, which I find hilarious for some reason.
My point, Aaron, is that you are squandering your talent. I don’t know if you need to fire your agent or something, but seriously, something needs to be done. I don’t want you to waste the rest of your career making this kind of drivel. You’re only 46 dude, you’ve still got time to turn this around! If Matthew McConaughey can win an Oscar, so can you. Go out there and find your Oscar-winning role, and stop making dreck like I, Frankenstein!
I know you can do it, man. Times may be tough, but I have faith in you.
A concerned but hopeful fan, Colin M.