Even More Really Bad Movies

Another birthday, another bad movie roundup! Let’s get started!

Beowulf

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As an English major, I felt it was my sworn duty to see this movie. Boy, did I regret it. True story: when I was a sophomore at Seattle Pacific University, we read Beowulf in one of my British Lit. classes, because of course we did. I knew that this movie had been around for a while, but I had never seen it, so one day I hopped on a bus to downtown Seattle and bought the DVD from Borders (back before Borders went out of business. RIP Borders). I brought it back to my dorm room on the sixth floor of Hill Hall, and when I tried to watch it THE DVD FREAKING FROZE right when Beowulf’s mother (who, you might recall, was played by naked animated Angelina Jolie) emerged from the water. Try as I might, I could not get the stupid DVD to work.

So a few days later, I hopped on another bus, went back to downtown Seattle, and exchanged my faulty DVD for a new one. This one worked, miraculously…or perhaps not so miraculously, since I hated the movie. That DVD I worked so hard for contained a movie that totally sucked, and that DVD has sat on a shelf in my bedroom unwatched ever since.

Gamer

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I’m pretty sure I bought this DVD from that same Borders in downtown Seattle (I bought a lot of DVDs in college, probably due to my complete absence of a social life) and yeah, this movie also sucked. I do like the premise, though: In the not-too-distant future, there are these real-life video games where players control actual people in kill-or-be-killed deathmatches. Picture Call of Duty, but with real people instead of virtual avatars. It’s an agreeably wacky premise and there are some fun, crazy action sequences to go along with it, but the movie ends up being just too weird and unnecessarily convoluted for its own good, and it ends up being pretty hard to care about as a result. The movie was made by the same guys who made the completely-bonkers Crank movies, and includes all the over-the-top action but none of the momentum of those ludicrous ficks.

Ghost Rider

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Here’s an infamous stinker that gave me a title for a couple posts I did a while back, about Comparative Exponential Religiosity Crap. This movie is a mess: the villains are lame, the plot is boring, Nic Cage is…well, Nic Cage. What else needs to be said? At least the special effects are decent, but as anyone who watched the last Transformers movie will tell you, special effects can’t always save a movie. Bafflingly, this movie got a sequel a few years ago from the guys who made Crank and Gamer, which by most accounts was even worse than the original. I haven’t seen it and have no desire to. I guess not every Marvel character is a guaranteed recipe for success, after all.

Godzilla (1998)

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I liked this movie when I was a kid, but I have since seen the error of my ways. This movie was so bad that Toho, the Japanese production company that has made all the Japanese Godzilla movies, bought the rights to the appearance of the character as he looks in this movie, renamed him Zilla, and proceeded to ruthlessly mock him in their own Godzilla movies. Do yourself a favor and watch the epic Japanese film Godzilla Final Wars, which includes the priceless line “I knew that fish-eating monster was useless,” spoken after this much-hated version of Godzilla gets his ass handed to him.

The Matrix Revolutions

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Continuing from my previous bad-movie installment, here’s another epically bad trilogy-capper. Between this and the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie, you could write a book called “How not to end a movie trilogy.” Overlong and utterly incomprehensible, this movie was enough to make most people wish the Matrix series had ended after just one movie. The only part of this movie that was even remotely memorable was the part where Keanu Reeves punches Hugo Weaving in the face in super slow-mo.

Terminator Salvation

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For some reason that I now find utterly incomprehensible, I used to like this movie. Having rewatched it recently, I have now scientifically determined that this movie is awful. It’s boring as hell, there’s not much action, not many Terminator robots, and no reason to care about any of the characters. For all of its flaws, at least Terminator 3 had a strong sense of purpose. This fourth Terminator movie has no driving force behind it at all, it just spins its wheels for two hours and ends anticlimactically without any sense of having accomplished anything. Even poor old Christian Bale couldn’t save this movie from becoming a generic and quickly-forgotten action flick.

Parker

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I feel a bit bad including this one here, since I am a big fan of Jason Statham, but this movie is just boring. The action sequences are admittedly pretty good, but the characters are so thinly-drawn and the plot so dull that it basically sinks the entire movie.

So there you have it, seven more lousy movies. On another note, this is my 100th post! When I first started blogging a few years ago, I never thought I would someday reach 100 posts, and I want to offer my sincere thanks to anyone who has ever taken time out of their busy lives to read something I wrote. I can’t tell you how much that means to me, so thank you all very, very much.

Here’s to the next 100!

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