Deadpool: a Review. By Deadpool.
Yes, you. Trolling through the internet, looking for something to do because you’ve already consumed everything else the vast canyons of the interwebs have to offer (sicko).
Well, stop looking. You found it. And here’s why:
It’s all about me!
Yes, me. Deadpool. Usually this blog is written by some guy named Colin, but when I realized that he was going to be writing about me, I figured I would give him a kick in the pants and write about me myself. Who knows me better than me, right?
Of course, I had to truss him up and chuck him in the closet, but who cares? It’s all for the sake of art, right?
Hey, shut up in there! Can’t you see I’m working over here?! The nerve of some people, seriously.
Anyway, the first thing you should know about me is that I’m awesome. The second thing you should know is that I’m self-aware. Think Skynet, but oh so much sexier.
The third thing you should know is that I have a new movie, and it kicks ass.
It took dumbass movie executives a while to make a movie about me, don’t ask me why. It’s pretty clear they all had their heads up their butts if they thought that godawful version of me in that Wolverine movie a few years ago was a good idea. I’m the Merc with the Mouth okay, who thought it was a good idea to take the mouth away from me?! The less said about that nonsense, the better.
Well I’m happy to say that they got me right this time.
My story is fairly simple. I’m a badass, right, and I had an awesome girlfriend, but the problem was that I also had a severe case of terminal cancer in parts of my body you really don’t want to have cancer in (I suppose that would be all of them, but you get the idea). So I made a decision.
In retrospect, it was not the best decision, since my face now resembles ground walrus meat. Then again, maybe it was a good decision, since I’m alive and I have superpowers and a sweet outfit.
So basically, what I did was go to some really shady dudes who tortured the shit out of me until my latent mutant powers were activated and I now heal from everything.
At least I think that’s how it went. To be honest, the details are a bit hazy, but I guess that’s a side effect of taking one too many knives to the head, things tend to get kinda…fuzzy.
What was I talking about again?
Oh, right. Badass origin story. So as you can probably imagine, having your face made to look like anchovy pizza forgotten in the back of the fridge for a month makes you a bit unhappy, so after making my escape I had one thing to live for: revenge! And also trying to work up the courage to talk to my girl again, which is sorta hard when you look like that one guy Steve Buscemi put through the woodchipper in that movie that one time.
And that’s about it, really. The plot of my movie isn’t terribly important, since the experience is really all about one thing: this guy.
Awww yeah, that’s right, take it in, take it all in. I’ll wait.
Done? Okay. As you may have figured out by now, I talk a lot. I talk when I’m angry, I talk when I’m sad, I talk when I’m happy, I talk when I’m turning hordes of henchmen into shish kebabs. I’m like Spider-man, only better looking and with more murder.
Fortunately, my brand-spanking new movie gets just about every aspect of my profoundly multifaceted personality right. The humor, the snark, the badassery, the handsomeness, it’s all there. My movie was directed by a guy named Tim Miller, it was his directorial debut and I have to say he nailed it. The action scenes in my movie are easy to follow and don’t fall back on that stupid shaky-cam thing that’s so popular in action movies these days. You get to see me in all my ass-kicking glory.
Ryan Reynolds plays me in my movie, and he completely redeems his previous ill-advised forays into comic-book movies. Gone are the bad memories of Green Lantern and that abominable portrayal of me in that Wolverine movie. And the less said about Blade Trinity, the better (the guy who usually writes this blog told me before I tied him up that he hasn’t even seen that movie, and he’s not missing anything).
My movie may not be perfect, but it is as good of a movie about me as it is possible to make. I look great, I sound great, I am great.
My movie’s not for everybody. Don’t take the kids to see it, Mom and Dad. Just because it’s a comic-book movie doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for all ages. Comic books are all dark and sophisticated now, you know? We superheroes mean business these days. Although I guess I’m more of an antihero, since I don’t give much of a crap about saving the world and all that other do-gooder nonsense.
I’m not a total loner, mind you. I’ve got friends! Lots of friends! Two of them are in my movie. One is this short-haired punk chick who has flame powers or something. I’m not really sure who she is actually, but she comes in handy when it inevitably gets to be time to kill some fools. The other one is Colossus, a recognizable X-Man who is a Russian metal-skinned dude. He was in some of the earlier X-Men movies, although they forgot to make him Russian for some reason.
The guy who normally writes this blog would probably put a picture of Colossus here, but I’m not going to do that because I’m the star here, dammit. So instead you can look at me again.
And yeah, Colossus is a CGI character and he looks a bit shonky, but my movie didn’t have the same CGI budget as the freaking Avengers or something, okay? I mean who do I look like, James Cameron? I’m not made of money! Sheesh.
Then again, maybe I am made of money, since my movie hauled in $135 million dollars its opening weekend. You know what that means: $equel$!
So if you haven’t already experienced the story of me, what are you waiting for? Stop what you’re doing and go to the damn theater.
All right, I’m all done! That wasn’t so hard. I guess I have to untie that dude now, though. C’mere you…