Introducing Technoid

When I was 10-12 years old, I wrote an absolutely ludicrous series of stories about a guy called Technoid. The stories are the product of a 10-12-year-old’s grasp of storytelling, which means that they make little to no sense. I recently rediscovered these stories in a folder in my room and thought it would be fun to go through them and add some commentary.

So without further ado, here is the introduction to the terror that the world will soon come to know as Technoid. Michael Bay, I await your phone call.

Technoid

“Ah!” exclaimed Technoid. “Home at last!” he looked at his tree house and climbed up the ladder. Technoid is a highly wanted super-dangerous criminal who lives in the African jungles where no policemen can find him.

He went into his weapons room, which had over 50 assault rifles (all were his, of course). He admired them for about 5 minutes or so, and then went down the hall into his room. When he got there, he walked over to his safe, which had a stolen half million dollars in it. Jewels were mixed in with the money, too.

“Boy, it is sure nice livin’ in the jungles of Africa with no policemen everywhere you turn.” Suddenly, he heard a noise outside. Going to his weapons room, he carefully selected a rifle and climbed down the ladder, outside he saw…..cannibals!

“Halt!” one of them said, which, by its looks, appeared to be the leader. They were all armed with spears, and a quiver bulging with arrows over their shoulders. A bow was hanging on each of their arms. Suddenly, one of them ripped off his feathers and tore off his straw belt, revealing a pistol in a holster. All of the others did the same.

“Officer Tom Kick!” exclaimed Technoid, as the policemen advanced on him. “Yes!” said the officer. “I have travelled all this way just to get you and claim my reward.” Technoid pulled out his gun and said, “Stop, or I’ll shoot!” “Sure you will,” grinned Officer Kick. “Now this is war!” yelled Technoid. Bang! Bam! You could hear the guns firing from miles around. And every now and then, an occasional “Unnngh!” Then and again, a policeman would come limping into the village and have to be nursed back to health. Finally, after 9 whole days, the shooting came to an end. And Officer Kick and Technoid came on stretchers back to the village, both badly wounded. Later that day, a plane took off from United Airlines to take Officer Kick and Technoid back to America so Officer Kick could claim his reward. And that concludes this tale of cops and robbers.

And there you have it! Wow, there was a lot of dumb stuff in that story.

First off, what’s with all the assault rifles? I actually do have a specific answer for this. I got the phrase “assault rifle” from GoldenEye for the Nintendo 64. I had no real concept of what an assault rifle actually was, but I thought it sounded like something a guy like Technoid would use.

t91-assault-rifle

GoldenEye 64 was released in August of 1997. I was born in September of 1988, so technically I was eight years old when the game was released. But since I never actually owned a Nintendo 64 myself (some of my friends did) I didn’t play the game until sometime after it was originally released, and didn’t start writing my goofy Technoid stories until after that, hence my estimation that my 10-12 years old at the time of the writing of these action-packed tales.

Clearly the concept of “show, don’t tell” was completely foreign to me at the time, since I have Technoid explain exactly what he’s doing in the jungles of Africa. There’s no subtlety whatsoever, I just come right out and say who Technoid is and what he’s doing there. I also like how I say that he is both highly wanted and super-dangerous, since it obviously never occurred to me that the former strongly implies the latter.

Technoid must have a gun fetish or something. Five minutes is kind of a long time to just sit there and stare at something. I like my Blu-ray collection quite a bit, but I don’t just sit in my chair staring at it for minutes at a time.

And of course there are the so-called cannibals. Obviously they’re not really cannibals, they’re police officers in disguise, but nothing about any of that makes a lick of sense. When I said “cannibals” in the story, I was thinking of grass-skirt wearing natives, like something out of Cannibal Holocaust or a particularly culturally-sensitive episode of Scooby-Doo (not that I had any idea what Cannibal Holocaust was when I was ten, so…yeah. Also, Cannibal Holocaust takes place in South America, not Africa, so it’s apparent that my sense of geography as a ten-year-old was a bit off).

2009-02-25-58-cannibal-popsicle

But the undercover officers disguising themselves as natives of some kind is asinine. Presumably they figured the disguise would enable them to get the drop on Technoid somehow, but they take no advantage whatsoever of whatever the element of surprise may have done for them, instead choosing to ditch the disguises immediately.

Said disguise-ditching begs another question: were the cops wearing clothes under their disguises? If so, it seems like it would be difficult to pull off the look they were going for. If not, they would make themselves extremely vulnerable during a gunfight.

And wow, what a gunfight! Nine whole days? Those cops must have brought tons of ammo with them in the clothes they may or may not have been wearing under their disguises. Maybe they used the bows and arrows.

It also makes no sense that it’s a bunch of cops who come after Technoid, as opposed to federal agents or something. What, did Officer Tom Kick round up a bunch of his beat cop buddies to go to Africa in search of the highly dangerous criminal mastermind?

Aside from all the nonsense in this story this little tale is intriguing to me looking back on it now because it shows that even from a young age I was fascinated with villains. The main character is Technoid, the bad guy, not Officer Kick, the good guy. Even when I was in grade school, the bad guy was more interesting to me on some level than the good guy.

Some things never change, I guess. It’s no coincidence my favorite superhero will always be the dark and brooding Batman instead of the all-around good guy Superman. All-around good guys are so boring.

I wrote four of these silly stories, so stay tuned for part two, because boy, it’s a doozy.

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