Hellboy 2019 is a Bloody Mess

I need a shower after that. The new reboot of Hellboy is one of the goriest movies I’ve ever seen. It’s hard to even put into words just how gruesome this movie is. This ain’t your grandpa’s Hellboy, that’s for sure.

But let’s back up a bit. This new version of Hellboy is the latest incarnation of the comic book character created by Mike Mignola in 1993. You probably saw the commercials for the new movie and thought to yourself, wait, didn’t they already do that? The short answer is yes. Hellboy previously appeared in two films directed by monster aficionado Guillermo del Toro: Hellboy in 2004 and Hellboy II: The Golden Army, released in 2008. Del Toro’s films starred Ron Perlman as the title character and are movies that are fondly remembered today.

Del Toro and Perlman tried for years to get a third Hellboy made but for whatever reason it never got off the ground. You know what that means: reboot time. So here comes a new version directed by Neil Marshall and starring David Harbour in the title role, with no involvement from either del Toro or Perlman. And it’s…not great. It currently has an abysmal 15% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes (as opposed to 81% and 86% for the del Toro movies) and made an equally-abysmal $12 million over its opening weekend. It seems poised to become one of the biggest bombs of 2019.

Images: Lionsgate

So…what happened?

There’s no easy answer, of course. But I had two takeaways from this movie: number one is that it’s really weird, and number two is that it’s really, really violent. Combine these two and you don’t exactly have a recipe for box-office gold.

So let’s talk about these two things, shall we?

This movie is weird as hell, no pun intended. Let’s chronicle some of that weirdness. The movie involves King Arthur, Merlin and Excalibur, and (spoiler) Hellboy himself turns out to be a descendant of King Arthur (!). There’s a group of upper-crust English gentlemen who dress up as knights and use electric-powered spears to hunt giants. There’s a Mexican luchador wrestler who turns into a winged vampire monster. Thomas Haden Church briefly appears as a guy named Lobster Johnson. One of the main characters turns into what must have been a were-leopard, or perhaps it was a were-jaguar. The main villain is named Nimue the Blood Queen and her main henchman is basically a sentient, bipedal warthog with a cockney accent. And have you ever heard of Baba Yaga? She’s in this movie too, complete with house that walks on chicken legs.

And covering all this weirdness are several squishy layers of blood, guts and gore. While del Toro’s Hellboy movies were rated PG-13, this reboot is a very hard R. Heads and limbs are severed, bodies melt, explode and dissolve, people are stomped, slashed, chopped, mutilated and maimed in every way imaginable, all of which is accompanied by soaring geysers of blood. During one particularly audacious sequence, an army of giant demons (demon giants?) are released from hell and unleash gruesome mayhem on the citizens of London, leading to people being skinned, impaled, incinerated and even ripped in half vertically like a wishbone.

The architect of all this grisly carnage is Neil Marshall. I last mentioned Marshall when I wrote about his 2002 werewolf movie Dog Soldiers, which was also extremely gory. But Hellboy had a much higher budget than Dog Soldiers, which allowed Marshall to indulge in his favorite pastime, which is of course painting the screen with blood and viscera. Seriously, this guy’s movies are GORY. Does Neil Marshall need a hug? I think he needs a hug.

But is there a story buried beneath all the blood and body parts? Yes, although it’s nothing particularly special. During the age of King Arthur, Nimue (pronounced Nim-way) the Blood Queen had some evil plan to unleash a plague or something, only to be defeated and dismembered by King Arthur and Merlin. Arthur sent her body parts to different corners of the kingdom so that no one could reassemble her. But in the modern day, there is that bipedal warthog creature who’s trying to reassemble Nimue so that she can turn him back into…a fairy, I think? The warthog-man also has a beef with Hellboy for reasons that didn’t really make any sense.

That was probably the most incomprehensible plot summary you’ve ever read, but trust me, watching the actual movie doesn’t make things any clearer. The movie’s plot is a complete mess, confusing at best and utterly baffling at worst. Guillermo del Toro is known for making movies that are full of bizarre creatures and monsters, and getting the viewer to sympathize with the creatures. With his Hellboy movies, he took a lot of care in establishing the world and the backstory of Hellboy and his supporting cast, and spent a lot of time developing their relationships so that you really cared about them.

Neil Marshall is a talented filmmaker, but with this movie it seems like he didn’t care about little things like plot or character and instead decided to throw everything at the wall to see what would stick. And the things he threw at the wall were severed heads and body parts. He tries to get the viewer to sympathize with Hellboy and attempts to add a bit of nuance to the thin plot by having Nimue try to recruit him to join her cause, since he’s a monster and everyone hates and fears him anyway, so why should he bother to help humanity? It’s a decent idea but it’s been done to death in the previous Hellboy movies, not to mention about a dozen X-Men movies.

Okay, but is there anything decent about this movie? I mean yeah, there is. It’s reasonably entertaining, and I was never bored. Baffled maybe, but not bored. David Harbour is good as Hellboy, although he probably won’t be making anyone forget Ron Perlman anytime soon. It’s got to be hard to act under all that makeup, and the guy gives it his best shot. Milla Jovovich is also good as the evil Nimue, and really sinks her teeth into the role of an ancient sorceress out for revenge.

The special effects and creature designs are also solid. It must be a lot of fun to work on a movie like this and let your imagination run wild, and there are all kinds of trolls, gremlins, zombies, and demons. The action sequences are also quite a bit of fun, if you can get past the copious bloodletting. Marshall is a talented director of action sequences and there is a reason he was hired to direct some of the biggest battle episodes of Game of Thrones. The action scenes are fun and exciting, even if the gore is excessive. I haven’t read any of the Hellboy comic books so I don’t know if they’re anywhere near as gory as this movie is, but if they are you’d probably need to wash your hands after reading one.

The new version of Hellboy isn’t very good. It has decent entertainment value, but it adds nothing to the world of Hellboy that hadn’t been done better in the earlier movies, and ends up feeling like a cynical cash-grab. There’s not just one but two post-credits scenes that tease sequels that will most likely never happen given the underwhelming box-office numbers. This movie will be a footnote in the history of superhero cinema.

Wonderful Wonder Woman

After the twin disappointments of Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice and Suicide Squad last year, DC badly needed a genuine hit. Sure, both those films made plenty of money, but received awful reviews which hurt their long-term prospects, and led to a sharp drop-off at the box office between their first and second weekends. Fortunately, Wonder Woman is here to save the day, and her first-ever solo movie is one of the best-reviewed films of the year, and should have more staying power than her predecessors.
Wonder Woman first appeared in 1941, so it’s a little ridiculous that it took 76 years for her to finally get a movie of her own. It wasn’t until Batman V Superman last year that she even made her big-screen debut. When Israeli actress Gal Gadot was announced to play the character, fan reaction was mixed to say the least, but Gadot has proved the naysayers wrong by delivering a powerful performance, equal-parts badass warrior and believer in the inherent good of mankind, which is an attitude the world could always use more of these days. She’s just awesome.

Image: Warner Bros.

One of the advantages of not having had a solo film before is that a Wonder Woman origin story feels fresh. How many times have we seen origin stories for Batman, Superman, and Spider-Man? How many times have we seen Bruce Wayne’s parents die? So…many…times. The origin of Wonder Woman is a story that has not been told onscreen before, and even though it follows some familiar beats, it still feels lively, original, and heartfelt.
Wonder Woman’s real name is Diana, and she was born and raised on the hidden island of Themyscira, which was created by Zeus to protect mankind from Ares, the god of war. Diana is the daughter of Hippolyta, who is the Queen of the Amazons, and was raised as a warrior, initially against her mother’s wishes. Her life is turned upside-down when a plane crashes in the water off the coast of Themyscira. She saves the plane’s occupant, who just so happens to be the first man she’s ever seen in her life. The man’s name is Steve Trevor, and he brings the Amazons grave news from the outside world. He tells them of a massive war, of millions dead, and of weapons capable of killing millions more men, women, and children. Again going against her mother’s wishes, she resolves to help Steve and goes with him to London. The year is 1918, and the war is World War I.

Image: Warner Bros.

Steve is played by Chris Pine, who has to be one of the most likable actors in Hollywood today, and the chemistry of Pine and Gadot is one of the movie’s great pleasures. Diana is a fish out of water in the modern world (modern by 1918 standards anyway) and there are very funny scenes of her attempting to understand this strange new world she finds herself in. Soon after she meets Steve, she asks him, “Are you considered an average example of your sex?” to which he replies, “I’m…above average.”
The movie was directed by Patty Jenkins, whose 2003 film Monster earned Charlize Theron an Academy Award for Best Actress. This is Jenkins’ first directorial feature since then, and she nails it. A character like Wonder Woman (although she’s never actually called that in the movie) can be difficult tonally, meaning that it can be hard to balance the more serious aspects of her character with some of the goofier ones, like the Lasso of Truth, which is kind of silly. But Jenkins makes it easy to care about Diana and Steve and the larger conflict unfolding, while also adding the right amount of humor. One of the biggest complaints people had with the previous DC movies was that they were too dark and joyless, but Jenkins’ film tells a serious and coherent story that is also a hell of a lot more fun than its predecessors.
It also nails the action sequences, providing thrilling action set pieces that are every bit as good as the Zack Snyder-directed action scenes from earlier films (say what you will about Zack Snyder, the dude knows how to film a fight scene) and are significantly better than the choppily-edited action scenes from David Ayer’s Suicide Squad. Seeing Diana in action is an absolute blast, she kicks all kinds of ass. The movie takes the potentially-absurd sight of a beautiful woman in a brightly-colored bustier striding into the no man’s land between trenches and turns it into something stirring and powerful. And give a lot of credit to Gadot for all the fight training she did, she makes Wonder Woman a butt-kicking force of nature.

Image: Warner Bros.

This is Gadot’s first real starring role, after supporting roles in Batman V Superman and the Fast and Furious series, among others. She gives Diana an almost-childlike sense of wonder at the world, and an eternal optimism that cannot be dampened. She’s naïve at first, but her character matures organically as the film progresses, and she comes to realize, with Steve’s help, that things aren’t as black-and-white as she thought they were. There’s also a great moment early on where Diana starts to realize just how powerful she is, and her little gasp of joy is perfect. Not since Sam Raimi’s original Spider-Man has a superhero film captured that sheer sense of joy that comes with discovering you’re more powerful than you thought you could be.
One weak point is the film’s villains. The performances by Danny Huston and Elena Anaya as the Evil German General and Evil German Scientist are fine but the characters are generic and don’t do much other than glower and cackle. There’s also a third, hidden villain, but I won’t say more about this character in the interest of avoiding spoilers. I will say that this character’s appearance makes the climax of the film a bit silly, but it’s a minor complaint. The lackluster villains aren’t a huge problem, since the film overall is very good, but it’s a bit disappointing that the bad guys are so bland.

Image: Warner Bros.

But it’s hard to complain when the rest of the movie is so good. It’s got great action and special effects, it’s more fun and less dark than other DC movies, and it has two terrific lead performances. We’ll be seeing Diana again later this year in Justice League, which hopefully will take more of its leads from this film than Batman V Superman or Suicide Squad. We’ll have to wait and see, but in the meantime we can all be happy that Wonder Woman is here to stay.

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Seriously guys, why can’t we be friends? Why are you fighting? Stop it! STOP IT!!

Ok, sorry, I just get so emotional sometimes. Captain America: Civil War is upon us, and it is a rollercoaster in more ways than one.

Superheroes fighting each other is nothing new, just a few months ago Batman and Superman threw down, but instead of two heroes clashing, in this movie there are an even dozen duking it out.

On one side: Captain America, Winter Soldier, Falcon, Hawkeye, Ant-Man, and Scarlet Witch.

On the other: Iron Man, War Machine, Black Widow, Vision, Black Panther, and the Amazing Spider-Man himself.

civil war

Wow, that’s quite the roster. Captain America: Civil War is an Avengers movie in all but name. The only Avengers who do not appear are Hulk and Thor, and they are missed, but not too much, since the movie already has a plethora of costumed characters.

But what is the cause of these heroes’ disagreement? Basically, it has to do with accountability. The Avengers may be good at saving the world, but said world-saving is frequently accompanied by large amounts of collateral damage. The governments of the world have had enough, and seek to impose a new set of regulations to keep the Avengers in check. Tony Stark aka Iron Man is in favor of this, Steve Rogers aka Captain America is not, and the rest of the Avengers choose sides accordingly. There’s also a nefarious character with the catchy name of Zemo who is influencing events from behind the scenes, but to say too much about him would be to give the game away too soon.

I love this movie’s central conflict. It’s a fantastic setup because there are compelling arguments for both sides, which makes the character motivations clear for all involved. A movie with this many characters could easily become unbalanced. Batman V Superman for example was ungainly as hell with less than half as many superpowered individuals. But this movie has a clearer sense of purpose, and feels more coherent as a result.

Civil War throws a few new characters into the mix, with great success. Black Panther, played by Chadwick Boseman, is an excellent addition. Wearing a badass black costume made of vibranium, which is the same material Captain America’s shield is made of, and complete with Catwoman-esque retractable claws, the character makes a strong first impression and I am looking forward to his solo movie, which is due out in 2018.


And let’s talk about Spider-Man. There’s a lot of cynicism relating to this character, due mostly to the fact that since 2002 there have already been five Spider-Man movies, presenting two different origin stories for the character who has been played by two different actors. The idea of yet another Spidey reboot was not something many people were overly excited about, but if next year’s Spider-Man: Homecoming is half as charming as Spidey’s appearance in this film it could be something really special.

This latest version of the webslinger is played by a young actor named Tom Holland, with whom I was largely unfamiliar, but he really nailed it here. The movie presents Peter Parker as a penniless nerd who’s brilliant but so poor that he has to scavenge computer parts from the garbage. Tony Stark recruits him to join his cause and Holland has great chemistry with Robert Downey Jr. The scene where Tony first meets up with Peter is one of my favorite scenes in the film. It makes perfect sense that Tony and Peter would get along, since they’re both such huge science nerds. Peter Parker basically is a young Tony Stark, only dirt poor instead of filthy rich.


And how can you not love this exchange:

Tony: You got a passport?

Peter: Um, no.

Tony: Ever been to Germany?

Peter: No.

Tony: Oh, you’re gonna love it there.

Peter: I…I can’t go to Germany.

Tony: Why not?

Peter: Because I…I have homework.

Tony: Okay, I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just say that.

Isn’t that great? I love it. Of all the major superheroes, Spider-Man is the only one I can think of whose origin is firmly rooted in being a kid, and this movie manages to capture that with only a limited amount of screentime.

It also bears mentioning that Aunt May is now a hottie. She is played by Marisa Tomei, who even Tony Stark refers to as Aunt Hottie, which makes Peter hilariously uncomfortable. Tony Stark is something of an authority on the subject, since as we all know he once went 12-for-12 with Maxim cover models. I’m not sure how I feel about Aunt May being hot, but…okay, that’s a lie. I’m totally fine with it.

Moving on, what makes Tony and Peter’s interactions work so well is emblematic of what makes the rest of the movie’s characters work. The dialogue and characterization are sharp, and most of these actors have been playing their roles for years, so they understand their characters very well and have natural chemistry with one another. Every character has a good amount of screentime and gets to show off his or her abilities in fun and creative ways. Each superhero feels important to the story and none of them are extraneous.

And the action sequences are fan-freakin’-tastic. The fight coordinators, stunt crews, and special effects technicians did amazing work bringing the many action scenes to life. There are a lot of epic fights in this movie, but the highlight has to be the centerpiece airport battle between Team Cap and Team Iron Man. It’s one of the best smackdowns in superhero-movie history, and must be seen to be believed. Just wait till you see the trick Ant-Man has up his sleeve, it’s a showstopper.

Captain America: Civil War was directed by brothers Joe and Anthony Russo, and they prove themselves to be every bit as adept at balancing the character beats with the ass-kicking action as they demonstrated in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, which they also directed. The Russo brothers are also set to direct the next two Avengers movies, Infinity War Part One and Part Two, and we can rest assured that Earth’s mightiest heroes are in good hands.

I’m a big fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe in general, but the Captain America movies in particular are noteworthy for how each film builds upon the previous ones. The Iron Man sequels were uneven and Avengers: Age of Ultron, while still fun, didn’t quite live up to the high standard set by its predecessor, but every Captain America movie has felt like an expansion of the themes and stories developed in the previous entries, and it’s been really great to see the series evolve.


Captain America: Civil War is one of those rare blockbusters that works on just about every level. It’s smart, funny, action-packed and balances a large number of characters and stories with aplomb. It’s my favorite movie of the year so far, and sets a new standard for future superhero films.

Comparative Exponential Religiosity/Keanu Kraze: John Constantine (Into the Light I Command Thee)

Lately, I’ve had John Constantine on the brain.

As far as I can tell, this came from a couple of different places. I read a lot of comics, and for a while it seemed like all I was reading was Batman comics. I love Batman comics, but a few months ago I started to want something different. I remembered that a few years ago, I had tried to read some of the Hellblazer comics, which was Constantine’s first solo series, but at the time they were just too weird for me and I gave up.

But I decided, what the heck, there’s no time like the present, so I went out and picked up some Hellblazer comics. I’ve really been enjoying them, even though I’m not always entirely sure what’s going on and I’m sure that some of the social commentary in the comics has completely escaped me, since Hellblazer was originally published in 1988, which also just so happened to be the year I was born, so needless to say I wasn’t exactly aware of the political and social landscape of the time. Please don’t judge me too harshly, as I had only recently been born.

constantine original sins

Anyway, on the off chance that you have absolutely no idea what the bloody hell I’m talking about, let me explain who John Constantine is. I think Wikipedia describes him very well, so allow me to quote: “Constantine is a working class magician, occult detective and con man stationed in London. He is known for his endless cynicism, deadpan snarking, ruthless cunning and constant chain smoking, but is also a passionate humanist driven by a heartfelt desire to do some good in his life.”

I love that description, and I love the character of Constantine. He’s a great big bundle of glorious contradictions, a frequently self-loathing, hard-smoking British sorcerer who nonetheless is driven by a strong desire to help those around him. He’s a cantankerous bastard, and it’s frequently not a good idea to be his friend, since good things don’t usually end up happening to friends of John Constantine.

In the comics, Constantine is no action hero. He gets involved in all kinds of trouble with demons and other supernatural entities, but he talks or cons his way out of trouble, and as a result he frequently makes more enemies than he defeats, and creates more trouble for himself and his friends. His cynicism is somewhat understandable, since all of his attempts to solve problems always end up causing more. This makes him a relatable character, despite all of the supernatural goings-on that surround him.

constantine portrait

The Hellblazer comics are wonderfully weird, and even though the exact details of some of the stories occasionally escape me, I always enjoy the experience. One of the things I enjoy most about the comics is that no two page layouts are ever exactly the same. Sometimes the panels are laid out in such a way that it can be a bit of a challenge at first to figure out the right order in which to read them. But, the right order will eventually present itself, and reading the comics always provides a unique and enjoyable experience.

There have been a couple of screen adaptations of Constantine. The first was the much-maligned 2005 movie version starring Keanu Reeves. The movie made the puzzling decision to take Constantine, who in the comics was blond and British (Sting was the original visual inspiration for the character), and have him be played by Keanu Reeves, who is quite spectacularly neither blond nor British. The movie presents an Americanized version of Constantine who is based in Los Angeles rather than London and has more of an action-hero vibe, who has his own version of James Bond’s Q who supplies him with anti-demon gadgets.

constantine psotre

The movie version is widely hated by Hellblazer fans, and it’s not hard to see why. Pretty much the only aspects of the character that carry over to the movie are Constantine’s cynical nature and constant chain-smoking.

I’ll talk more about the movie in a bit, but first I want to mention the other screen adaptation of Constantine, the TV version which unfortunately only ran for one season on NBC before it was cancelled. I quite liked the TV version, and from what I read the show’s creators tried their best to save it, but NBC wasn’t listening and cancelled it anyway. It’s really too bad, since the show’s portrayal of Constantine is much more in keeping with the Hellblazer comics, with several episodes of the show being more or less direct adaptations of stories from the comics. The only thing the show didn’t have was Constantine’s relentless smoking habit, and that’s probably because smoking onscreen is a bit of a taboo these days.


In the show, Constantine was played by a Welsh actor named Matt Ryan, who was pretty much perfect in the role. He did a great job encapsulating the character’s world-weary cynicism while still conveying his innate humanity and desire to help people under threat from supernatural forces. Even though NBC cancelled the show, there’s clearly still some love for Ryan’s portrayal of the character, since he recently reprised the role in an episode of the popular TV series Arrow. I watched the episode, even though I had never watched an episode of Arrow before, and despite the fact that I didn’t really know what was going on, I still enjoyed seeing Ryan play Constantine again, he really is the perfect actor for the role.

Since I had been thinking about Constantine a lot from all this, I re-watched the movie the day before I started working on this post, and, well, there are quite a few things to be said about the movie.

Much like the comics, the movie is a deeply strange piece of work and the plot is a bit of a mess. But the movie is bolstered by mostly solid special effects (although some of the CGI does look a bit shonky by today’s standards) and a really great supporting performance from Rachel Weisz. Some of the movie’s casting is a bit weird (aside from Keanu), since the movie casts rocker Gavin Rossdale (lead singer of the band Bush) as a demon named Balthazar, and casts Shia LaBeouf as Constantine’s sidekick Chas.

Constantine the movie is an interesting case. As an adaptation of the source material, it more or less completely fails, but taken as a movie on its own terms, it actually works pretty well. Even though the movie’s version of Constantine the character doesn’t have much in common with his comic book counterpart, his cynicism and world-weariness are very much intact.

And, again, not that surprising. In the movie, God and Lucifer are embroiled in a war for the souls of all mankind, and angels and demons are able to possess and influence humans as half-breeds. As a child, movie Constantine was able to see angels and demons in our world. These visions haunted him, and at 15 he attempted suicide. He was officially dead for two minutes before he was revived, and spent those two minutes in hell. As a result of his suicide attempt, his soul is now bound for hell because of this mortal sin. He now spends his days exorcising demons and banishing (aka killing) half-breeds in an attempt to shore up enough favors with God to earn his way into heaven.

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, this is a Comparative Exponential Religiosity Post. I originally called this little series Comparative Exponential Religiosity Crap, but I decided to leave out the “Crap” part because I don’t want it to seem like I don’t take this subject seriously, or that I don’t respect it, because I do.

Now that that’s cleared up, let’s get on with the movie. In some ways, the movie’s view of matters of faith is somewhat black and white. The movie is heavy on the Catholicism, and since Constantine’s suicide attempt was a mortal sin, his soul is condemned to hell no matter what he does. And his time is running out, since his incessant chain-smoking has given him terminal lung cancer. His predicament is explained in Constantine’s conversation with the angel Gabriel (played by Tilda Swinton, a chameleon of an actor if ever there was one). Now, I’m not saying suicide is or is not something that will instantly condemn your soul to hell, but in order for the plot of the movie to work it kind of has to be. I don’t mean to offend anybody, since I know suicide is a touchy subject, I’m simply trying to examine the film based on its own philosophy.

constantine keanu

Going back to Gabriel, he (she? The movie’s version of Gabriel is intentionally androgynous) tells John that, due to his mortal sin, his soul is going to hell and he can’t do anything about it. His revival after his suicide attempt only gave him a brief reprieve from hell.

But there’s a really interesting idea buried in here. John was in hell for two minutes, and he’s always been able to see angels and demons. He therefore knows conclusively that God and the Devil exist. But since he knows that, is he even capable of having true faith? Is it possible to have faith in something that you know to be real, or is the very concept of faith based on not being able to know something for sure? And if John isn’t capable of having true faith, is he even capable of repentance?

It’s shocking to me that a Hollywood movie raises these questions, and in some ways it’s amazing that this movie ever got made in the first place. Not just because of the religious content, but also because the movie is just so damn strange. In one scene, John, goes to hell by putting his feet into a bucket of water and staring into the eyes of a cat on his lap. This somehow allows him to enter hell, which the movie portrays as a sort of apocalyptic Los Angeles full of crawling demons. During the hell scene, there’s even a brief shot of what appear to be souls writhing in torment. It’s very Dante-esque, and the film doesn’t linger on the image, it’s there and then gone. In some ways it’s a brave movie, since it goes to a lot of places most movies don’t, both literally and figuratively.

constantine hell

And Keanu is really not that bad in the role. It’s maybe better to view Keanu’s portrayal of Constantine as a character inspired by the comic book version of Constantine, rather than directly based on it. I still hold that Keanu can be a good actor when he wants to be, and his performance in the movie really sells Constantine’s increasing desperation. He just doesn’t look healthy, and as the movie progresses he begins to look downright gaunt.

He is told that Satan wants his soul so badly that his is the only soul Satan would come down to collect himself. Because of all this, he is increasingly unable to see a way out of his predicament, until a detective named Angela, played by Rachel Weisz, comes to him with a unique problem, that just may give him the key to his own salvation.

Angela’s twin sister Isabel (also played by Weisz) has recently killed herself by jumping off the roof of the psychiatric hospital she was a patient at. Despite camera footage showing this, Angela refuses to believe her sister would have killed herself, since Isabel was a devout Catholic and Angela doesn’t believe she would have willingly condemned her own soul to hell. As Angela tells a priest, Isabel never would have killed herself and sent her soul to hell on purpose because “God was the only one she ever believed loved her.”

It turns out that Angela is carrying a lot of grief about her sister’s death, and also how she treated her when she was alive. When they were kids, Isabel and Angela could both see things, like John could, but when Isabel tried to tell people about it Angela would never say that she could see them too. Eventually, Isabel was committed and Angela lost the ability to see the things that both John and her sister are able to see into their adulthood.

I won’t go in to too much detail about the rest of the plot, if all of this trippy stuff sounds interesting and you haven’t already seen the movie it is worth checking out. It may not be a great adaptation of the source material, but as a sort of supernatural neo-noir it works pretty well. Constantine is kind of an occult Philip Marlowe (another character known for his cynicism), and Keanu mutters every line in a way that suggests he may have given up already.

And Rachel Weisz is just terrific in the dual role of twin sisters. Angela (it occurred to me that her name is not coincidental) is a woman of strong faith who encounters something she doesn’t know how to deal with and isn’t willing to accept. Rather than doing nothing about it, she reaches out to someone, and, even though that someone can be kind of a jerk, it ends up leading to something bigger for both her and John. Interestingly, John and Angela are never romantically involved, and even after they stop Satan’s son from entering our world and causing hell on earth, they never even kiss. Weisz is very beautiful, but to the film’s credit she’s not impossibly beautiful. She looks like an actual person that you might see walking down the street. The movie as a whole doesn’t glamorize any of its subject matter or characters, although I guess it wouldn’t be much good as a noir if it did.


The movie was the directorial debut of Francis Lawrence, who went on to quite a bit of success with the Will Smith-starring sci-fi hit I Am Legend, and has directed three of the four Hunger Games films. Constantine is uneven but overall it’s not a bad effort for a debut feature, it shows he’s got the chops as a visual stylist who doesn’t forget about the importance of character.

And I would be amiss if I failed to mention the great Swedish character actor Peter Stormare (he who put Steve Buscemi through the wood chipper in Fargo) as Public Enemy No. 1, Satan himself. He appears to collect John’s soul at the film’s climax, and has to be one of cinema’s most memorable portrayals of the Prince of Darkness. Clad in a white suit, with tattoos creeping up his neck and bare feet dripping with ichor, he exudes menace and appears slightly steamy, as if he only recently emerged from somewhere a bit toasty. Stormare is fantastic at playing Satan’s leering glee at finally being able to collect his most-desired soul, and even though he is only in the movie for one scene near the end he is still able to neatly steal the entire film.

constantine satan

So, there are my thoughts about the various incarnations of John Constantine across different media. He’s a fascinating character, and he always keeps you guessing. Sure, he helps people, but how much of that is altruism and how much of it is purely for his own gain? No version of the character ever definitively answers this question, because where would the fun be in that? Constantine can be a charmer or a complete asshole, but somehow he remains very appealing. His popularity has endured for several decades and clearly he still has a substantial fanbase, so who knows what the future might hold for everyone’s favorite British chain-smoking sorcerer?

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