James Bond: The Roger Moore Era – Moonraker

If I had to pick one word to use to best describe Moonraker, it would be: incoherent.

For Your Eyes Only was originally intended to be the follow-up to The Spy Who Loved Me, but in 1977 a movie came out that turned everything upside-down. That movie was called Star Wars and in the wake of its massive success, sci-fi was all the rage. The Bond producers took note of this and decided to send Bond to space.

Images: MGM

To achieve this, they very loosely adapted Ian Fleming’s novel of the same name. The book was Fleming’s third Bond novel, and in stark contrast to the movie, had nothing to do with outer space and took place entirely in Britain. Compare this to the film, which jumps from California to Venice to Rio de Janeiro to the Amazon rainforest to SPACE. In the book, the villain Hugo Drax is an ex-Nazi now working for the Soviets. He’s building an experimental missile called Moonraker that purportedly is to be used to defend England, but secretly Drax is planning to launch it at London.

The book draws from a lot of Cold War fears and is a Bond novel that feels very relevant to the era in which it was written. The movie, on the other hand, is a jumbled mishmash that jumps around wildly, never establishing a consistent tone (a recurring problem in Moore’s Bond films) and featuring one of the most outlandish and far-fetched scenarios that the Bond series has ever presented, which is saying something when you consider that an earlier Bond villain had a secret lair hidden inside a volcano.

The movie has a great opening sequence, involving Bond jumping out of a plane without a parachute and fighting a henchman with a parachute on the way down. It’s impressive that such a dangerous sequence was filmed all the way back in 1979 (it took 88 skydives to complete), and still holds up today. It also involves everyone’s favorite Bond henchman, the legendary JAWS, played once again by Richard Kiel, whose character was so popular in The Spy Who Loved Me that he was brought back for another round.

Bond’s mission is to investigate the hijacking of a Moonraker space shuttle. The Moonraker was made Drax Industries, the headquarters of which are located in California. He promptly seduces Corinne, Drax’s sexy helicopter pilot, and she helps Bond steal some of Drax’s blueprints for a mysterious kind of glass vial that is being made in Venice. When Drax learns of Corinne’s betrayal, he, er, sends his hunting dogs after her and they, um, eat her. Corinne’s death is one of the most unpleasant in the entire Bond series, it seems exceptionally cruel. I understand that this kind of thing shows how nasty the villain is, but Corinne’s death comes off as unnecessarily brutal.

Bond then heads to Venice, where he again encounters an astronaut he met at Drax’s California headquarters. This astronaut’s name, sigh, is Holly Goodhead, and she is of course an undercover CIA agent who is also investigating Drax. Has there ever been a person in history who was both a CIA agent and an astronaut? I mean, that’s a pretty impressive resume right there. It turns out that the mysterious glass vials are meant to hold a nerve gas that is deadly to humans but harmless to animals.

The section of the film that takes place in Venice also has one of the dumbest action sequences in the entire Bond franchise, in which Drax’s henchmen chase Bond through the canals and Bond’s gondola turns out to be outfitted with a bunch of gadgets and like grows wheels or something and he drives it around and a pigeon does a double take and it’s just monumentally stupid. I didn’t make up that part about the pigeon by the way, that’s in the movie. They actually edited footage of a pigeon to make it look like it was doing a double take and PUT IT IN THE MOVIE. I shit you not.

Bond ends up in Rio de Janeiro where a bunch of other dumb stuff happens, and eventually finds Drax’s hidden base in the middle of the Amazon rainforest. Bond and Goodhead hitch a ride on one of Drax’s Moonraker rockets and are blasted off INTO SPACE, where the rocket docks with Drax’s space station and Bond and Goodhead learn the details of Drax’s evil plan. He intends to use his nerve gas to wipe out all human life on Earth, then repopulate it with a few dozen genetically perfect young men and women he has brought to his space station, and therefore create a new master race.

It’s an audacious evil scheme but it’s also, frankly, kind of generic. It’s just so hard to come up with an original plot for world domination, you know? The movie climaxes with a massive laser gun battle waged both inside and outside Drax’s space station. It’s a pretty fun sequence and the effects are impressive by 70’s standards, even if they are undeniably cheesy. The laser guns literally make a PEW! PEW! sound. It’s goofy as all get out, but undeniably entertaining. As a very special bonus, here’s my photo-realistic artistic interpretation of the climactic laser battle, made with MS Paint. I know, I know, I’m a brilliant artist. You’re welcome.

Moonraker is one of those movies that manages to be entertaining almost in spite of itself. It’s undeniably dumb as shit but at least it’s fun. The plot barely hangs together, but there’s so much going on that you can’t really help but get swept up in the sheer giddy silliness of it all. It succeeds as a piece of entertainment even as it fails to tell a coherent story.

It has plenty of other problems too. The tone veers drastically from deadly seriousness to slapstick buffoonery. The fact that this movie has one of the Bond series’ most brutal deaths (Corinne killed by Drax’s dogs) and one of the dumbest sight gags (a pigeon doing a double take) should serve as ample evidence of the movie’s tonal inconsistency.

The acting is also not great. Holly Goodhead was played by an American actress named Lois Chiles who was plenty easy on the eyes, but had no chemistry at all with Roger Moore. She’s tough and capable, sure, but also kinda boring. She doesn’t have much personality and her relationship with Bond ends up feeling inconsequential. This is particularly disappointing when you remember the nuanced and complex relationship between Bond and Anya in the previous Bond film, The Spy Who Loved Me. Holly Goodhead isn’t an offensively bad character, she’s just bland. And she has an awful last name.

Similarly underwhelming is French actor Michael Lonsdale as the villain, Hugo Drax. Lonsdale delivers his lines in a weird monotone that makes Drax sound perpetually bored. For crying out loud, you’re playing a guy who wants to wipe out mankind and you have your own space station! Chew some scenery! Don’t act like you’re always wondering if you left the oven on! Much like the Bond Girl, Moonraker’s Bond Villain is bland and forgettable.

Much as he did in The Spy Who Loved Me, Jaws upstages the movie’s main villain. Richard Kiel remained an imposing physical presence and I continue to enjoy the running gag where he survives various seemingly-deadly incidents and emerges calmly from the wreckage, brushing the debris off his jacket and straightening his tie. But in another example of Moonraker’s wild tonal shifts, for some incomprehensible reason the makers of this movie saw fit to give him a girlfriend and make him a good guy who helps Bond during the battle on Drax’s space station. It’s dumb, and not in a good way. It feels like an attempt to neuter an iconic villain, and as a connoisseur of cinematic villainy I take great umbrage at that.

But you have to give the filmmakers some credit. The sheer scale of the production is impressive and the variety of locations gives the film a lot of visual flair. Moonraker is a movie that totally goes for broke, and even though the story is a mess the ride itself is quite enjoyable. And if the producers wanted to cash in on the success of Star Wars they succeeded, since Moonraker was a huge hit that made $210 million and was the highest-grossing Bond movie until GoldenEye in 1995.

I love this poster for so many reasons. It has not one, but two awesome taglines. Bond is wearing a tux under the spacesuit. There’s a Union Jack on the shoulder of the spacesuit. Above Bond’s left hand, there’s a name tag which reads “J BOND 007.” And the piece de resistance, which is that Bond is not wearing a helmet in outer space, and would therefore be dead in moments. A gloriously cheesy poster for a gloriously cheesy movie.

Moonraker ultimately feels like a movie that was made to capitalize on the success of Star Wars without understanding why people liked Star Wars in the first place. It’s not just the space ships and laser guns, it’s the complex lore and elegant world building and appealing characters. Moonraker doesn’t have any of that, but it does deliver considerable entertainment value. It’s good, pulpy fun that would make for a great night of popcorn-fueled weekend movie watching with friends.

Moonraker was so far over the top that for Bond’s next adventure, the filmmakers brought Bond back down to earth and took a more grounded approach. For Your Eyes Only is one of my favorite Bond films, and easily one of Roger Moore’s best. I can’t wait to talk about it.

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James Bond: The Roger Moore Era – The Spy Who Loved Me

Now that is what I call a Bond movie.

After the boring awfulness of Live and Let Die and the mostly-mediocre The Man with the Golden Gun, Roger Moore hit a home run with his third Bond film, 1977’s The Spy Who Loved Me. TSWLM is classic Bond. Everything people associate with Bond movies is here: beautiful women, exotic locations, cool gadgets and vehicles, a villain with a diabolical plot for world domination…you name it, this one’s got it.

Images: MGM

The movie is an adaptation of Ian Fleming’s novel of the same name in name only. The Spy Who Loved Me is unique among Fleming’s novels in that it is the only one written from a first-person perspective. And you would think that would be from Bond’s perspective, but it’s not. It’s from the perspective of a young woman named Vivienne Michel, and Bond doesn’t appear in the book until it’s about two-thirds over. It’s not generally regarded as one of Fleming’s best books but for whatever reason it’s one of my personal favorites and one I find myself coming back to most often.

Fleming was never entirely happy with the book and when he sold the film rights to his work he only gave the producers permission to use the title of The Spy Who Loved Me, and none of the book’s plot. It’s still a catchy title but it doesn’t have the same literal meaning as it does in Fleming’s novel. The film uses Fleming’s title but the plot is a creation of the filmmakers. This is not, as we shall see, a bad thing.

But let’s get to the movie. Its opening sequence is a classic. It begins with something mysterious happening to a British submarine. When M, Bond’s boss, is informed that a nuclear submarine has gone missing, he immediately puts Bond on the case. Meanwhile, in Moscow, M’s opposite number General Gogol is informed that a Russian nuclear submarine has also gone missing. He promises to put his best agent, codenamed Agent Triple X, on the case.

As it turns out, both agents are rather preoccupied when they receive their instructions from headquarters. Bond, of course, is shacking up with a beautiful young lady in a cabin in the mountains. When he receives M’s summons, he puts on his hideous bright-yellow ski suit and prepares to leave.

“But James, I need you!” his paramour protests.

“So does England,” James replies stoically, and departs.

Meanwhile, Bond’s Russian counterpart, Agent Triple X, is also in bed with a lover. There’s a clever bit of misdirection here when the viewer thinks that Agent Triple X is the male half of the canoodling couple, but it turns out that Agent Triple X is in fact a woman, and a badass woman at that. This is Major Anya Amasova, played by Barbara Bach, and she is one of the best Bond Girls. Her lover is also a Russian agent, and leaves on a mission of his own.

It turns out that his mission is to kill Bond, because shortly after Bond leaves his mountainside hideaway, he is beset by several armed skiers who pursue him down the mountain. Bond kills one of them with a weaponized ski pole (provided by Q Branch, no doubt) and the camera zooms in to reveal that Bond has unknowingly killed Agent Triple X’s lover. This will be problematic later. It’s a fun chase scene (despite Bond’s hideous Ronald McDonald-colored snowsuit) that ends with an iconic stunt, where Bond ski jumps off a mountain and opens his parachute, which is emblazoned with the Union Jack. The patriotic parachute segues into the opening credits, accompanied by the song “Nobody Does It Better,” performed by Carly Simon.

It’s a fantastic opening: it’s fun and exciting, it establishes the plot, and it sets up things that will be important later. The ski jump is also very impressive, considering that an actual stuntman named Rick Sylvester risked life and limb by jumping off a dang mountain, an action that most human beings would never dream of attempting. Sylvester was paid $30,000 for the stunt, and it was money well-spent.

Bond and Anya are instructed by their respective bosses to go to Egypt to retrieve microfilm plans for a highly advanced submarine tracking system. They inevitably encounter one another and sparks fly in more ways than one. The relationship between Bond and Anya is one of my favorite things about the movie. Anya is as much of a badass as Bond his, and when he pitches her grief, she pitches it right back. This is in stark contrast to female characters in previous Moore Bond movies, who were pretty one-note. There is also the looming question of what will happen once Anya inevitably discovers that Bond killed her boyfriend, which provides tension to the relationship.

Anya one-ups Bond and delivers the microfilm to her boss, and Bond discovers that the British and the Russians have temporarily decided to set aside their differences and join forces, since they have determined that neither is responsible for the missing submarines and they therefore share a common enemy. “We have entered a new era of Anglo-Soviet cooperation,” General Gogol says. Inspecting the microfilm leads Bond and Anya to a man named Karl Stromberg.

Stromberg is the film’s primary villain, and he has a whopper of an evil plan. He built a massive oil tanker in order to capture and house nuclear submarines. He then plans to use these submarines to launch missiles which will destroy New York City and Moscow, thus triggering nuclear war which Stromberg will survive in his evil lair, called (rather uncreatively) Atlantis, and subsequently establish a new civilization underwater.
Heck yes! All of that is thoroughly ludicrous, and I love it. Classic Bond villain stuff.

All of this is complicated once Bond and Anya start to, you know, hook up, and Anya discovers that Bond killed her boyfriend. She declares that she will kill Bond after they complete their mission. Bond defends himself by saying “When someone’s behind you on skis at 40 miles per hour trying to put a bullet in your back, you don’t always have time to remember a face. In our business, Anya, people get killed. We both know that. So did he. It was either him or me. The answer to the question is yes. I did kill him.”

That’s…actually pretty good writing. The Spy Who Loved Me does not repeat the mistakes made by Moore’s previous films, in that it doesn’t feel the need to undercut everything with crappy attempts at humor. The film’s plot may be far-fetched, but the relationship between Bond and Anya is complex and given room to develop. When Stromberg captures Anya later in the movie, Bond risks his life to rescue her even though he knows she might kill him for having killed her boyfriend.

But lest you think the film skimps when it comes to delivering the action set-pieces Bond films are known for, think again. The Spy Who Loved Me is full of slam-bang action sequences, some of the best of the Roger Moore era. Who can forget the moment Bond drives his car off a dock into the water to escape a pursuing helicopter, only for his car to transform into a submarine and shoot the helicopter with a missile? That’s awesome stuff. Bond’s submarine car is subsequently attacked by divers and mini-submarines, which Anya helps destroy by dropping mines. When Bond asks her how she knew how to do that, she informs him that she stole the blueprints for the car two years ago, which is a nice reminder of how badass she is.

This movie also has one of the most iconic villains in cinematic history. No, I’m not talking about Stromberg. I’m talking about JAWS, played by the late Richard Kiel.

Standing at more than seven feet tall and sporting a mouth full of deadly metal teeth, Jaws is a fearsome adversary. It’s telling that when he and Bond fight on a train, Bond actually looks kind of scared. 2015’s Spectre would later pay homage to this film’s train fight by having Bond engage in a massive brawl with a hefty henchman played by Dave “Drax the Destroyer” Bautista.

Jaws is also the source of the movie’s funniest running joke, in which something happens to him that would kill any normal man (part of a building falls on him, he gets thrown out of a train, he’s in a car that goes off a cliff), only for him to emerge from the wreckage unscathed, dust himself off, straighten his tie, and continue on his way. Jaws proved so popular that he returned for the next Bond movie, 1979’s Moonraker. Jaws kicks ass, and is one of the most instantly-recognizable cinematic villains of all time.

The Spy Who Loved Me is one of my favorite Bond films. It strikes the perfect balance between campy and serious. Its plot is over-the-top and ridiculous but it’s treated with gravity and it feels like there is a tangible threat that needs to be stopped. The central relationship between Bond and Anya is complex and intriguing. The humor actually works and the film doesn’t feel the need to undercut every cool thing that happens with a silly sound effect.

As a Bond nerd, there are also quite a few things that happen in this movie that rarely happen in Bond movies. Bond wears his full dress uniform. The British and the Russians work together. M is addressed by his first name (Miles). Q, the long-suffering gadget master, is called Major Boothroyd. M calls Bond by his first name. And there is even a mention of Bond’s late wife. These are all rare occurrences in Bond movies, and the fact that they’re all in this one movie is nothing short of remarkable.

It’s not perfect, of course. Barbara Bach as Anya is beautiful and badass, but her line readings are a bit flat. Main villain Stromberg is overshadowed by his henchman, Jaws. And the pacing can be a bit sluggish at times. But overall, the pros far outweigh the cons, and I think this is Roger Moore’s best Bond movie. If you haven’t seen it or if it’s been a while, skip Moore’s first two Bond movies and watch this one instead.

At the end of the movie, the end credits inform the viewer that “James Bond will return in For Your Eyes Only.” But this turned out not to be the case, since there was a little movie that also came out in 1977 that changed everything. It was a movie you might have heard of called Star Wars, and it led to the Bond producers sending Bond to space in Moonraker, one of the Bond series’ most outlandish entries. We’ll take a look at that one next time.

James Bond: The Roger Moore Era – The Man With the Golden Gun

The Man with the Golden Gun is better than Live and Let Die.

But that’s not saying much.

Images: MGM

Roger Moore’s second Bond adventure does actually have a few things to recommend it, even if it suffers from the same problematic racial and sexual aspects of its predecessor. For one thing, it’s got an excellent villain, Francisco Scaramanga, the titular Man with the Golden Gun, played by the late, great Christopher Lee. Lee and Ian Fleming were actually step-cousins and Lee almost played Dr. No in the first James Bond film.

Lee is fantastic as the title character, who is portrayed as Bond’s equal in many ways. He’s the world’s most deadly assassin, a crack shot with a pistol, who charges one million dollars per hit. He uses a gun that is assembled from different parts: a fountain pen, a cigarette case, a cigarette lighter, and a cufflink. And his next target is 007. There’s a great scene where a gangster yells at Scaramanga, while Scaramanga sits at a desk and nonchalantly assembles his weapon, with the gangster being none the wiser. When the gangster finishes ranting, Scaramanga calmly shoots him.

The golden gun itself is extremely cool, one of the coolest weapons wielded by any of Bond’s numerous villains. And of course it will be remembered by anyone who played GoldenEye007 on the Nintendo 64, where its one-shot-kill ability was loved and loathed in equal measure. The weapon is iconic in movie history, as is the man who wielded it.

Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is kind of a mess. It’s a more entertaining mess than Live and Let Die, but given how boring that movie was it’s a low bar to clear.

The movie was released in 1974, only a year after Live and Let Die. That movie drew from the Blaxploitation films that were popular at the time, and The Man with the Golden Gun (which I’m going to abbreviate as TMWTGG because I don’t want to type that long title over and over) draws from kung fu films that were also in vogue (Enter the Dragon, Bruce Lee’s most iconic film, was released in 1973).

TMWTGG was very loosely based on Ian Fleming’s novel of the same name, which was released in 1965, eight months after Ian Fleming’s death in 1964. It’s not one of Fleming’s better novels, he was in poor health when he was writing it and it showed. I haven’t read it in some time, but I remember thinking it was pretty lackluster and unfortunate that it was Fleming’s last, it’s too bad he couldn’t have gone out on a higher note.

The film’s version of Scaramanga is much more interesting that the book’s version. In the book Scaramanga is basically a crook who’s a really good shot, but in the movie he’s suave, sophisticated, and calculating. He’s really the only villain in the movie, aside from his diminutive henchman Nick Nack and a gangster named Hai Fat, who’s not very important in the overall scheme of things. I really like the idea of a Bond movie being structured as a one-on-one duel between Bond and a man who is very much his equal.

But there is more going on in the movie than just the standoff between Bond and Scaramanga. The film was made during the 1973 energy crisis and as such there is a MacGuffin called the Solex Agitator, a component of a solar power station that Britain needs to help solve the energy crisis…or something. The Solex Agitator is a classic MacGuffin, a device that drives the plot forward. It’s not particularly interesting in and of itself. Basically, Scaramanga wants to sell it to the highest bidder and Bond’s superiors don’t want that.

As part of the film’s incorporation of kung fu movies, much of the film takes place in Thailand, Hong Kong and Macau. There are some great locations, such as Scaramanga’s secret island, but there are also some…problems. For example, at one point Bond gets captured by the gangster Hai Fat and sent to Fat’s martial arts academy, where the students are instructed to kill him. Bond escapes and runs into Lieutenant Hip, his contact in Hong Kong, who just sorta happened to be there at the time I guess. Ludicrously, Hip and his two teenage nieces proceed to thrash the entire martial arts school, while Bond stands by and does nothing.

Hip and his nieces pile into their car and Hip moronically drives away before Bond gets in the car. Bond is still being chased and tries to escape in a boat down a canal (AGAIN WITH THE BOATS), and at one point the camera pans over to reveal…

…SHERIFF J.W. PEPPER?!?!?!

Yes, they brought this racist caricature back for a second movie.

This is absolutely inexplicable. Why would a racist hick sheriff from the bayou in Louisiana be on vacation in Thailand, of all places??? AND WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO BRING HIM BACK?!?! He might even be worse in this movie, since he refers to Asian people as…sigh… “pointy-heads.”

I’m assuming this is some kind of a racial slur, and if it is I deeply apologize. I could Google it but I don’t want to. Even just typing it made me uncomfortable. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

Fuck J.W. Pepper.

Seriously.

And then he shows up AGAIN later in the movie when Bond steals a car from a showroom to chase after Scaramanga. Why the hell was J.W. looking at cars in Thailand? Who buys a car on vacation in a foreign country? WTF? So then there’s an otherwise pretty good car chase that features some great stunt driving, but it’s nearly ruined by the fact that J.W. fucking Pepper is sitting in the car next to Bond the entire time, spewing his usual stream of unfunny bullshit. Talk about killing the tension.

There’s also an amazing car stunt in this scene, when Bond does an incredible corkscrew jump over a river, doing a 360-degree midair twist. It’s an awesome stunt that is still impressive by today’s standards, but for some incomprehensible reason it too is nearly ruined by the inclusion of a goofy-ass whistling sound as the car spins in midair. Why would you nearly ruin such a great stunt by adding a comedic sound effect?! It’s so stupid, and shortly afterwards, SCARAMANGA’S CAR GROWS WINGS AND TURNS INTO A PLANE AND FLIES OFF!!

God, that’s stupid.

The film’s treatment of women is also problematic. The first time Bond encounters Scaramanga’s mistress Andrea Anders he hits her and threatens to break her arm if she doesn’t tell him where Scaramanga is. She later sleeps with Bond anyway, which is another embarrassing anecdote that we’ll get to in a bit. Interestingly, Andrea was played by Maud Adams, who I think is the only actress to play different Bond girls in two Bond movies. Nearly a decade later, she would play the titular character in 1983’s Octopussy, and yes, I did enjoy writing that sentence.

The film’s other Bond Girl is Mary Goodnight, played by the very beautiful Britt Ekland. Goodnight may very well be one of the sexiest Bond girls, but unfortunately she’s also one of the dumbest. In Fleming’s novels Goodnight is one of Bond’s secretaries, and Bond trusts her because she is smart and capable. In the movie she is reduced to a blonde bimbo in constant need of rescuing. She admittedly looks spectacular, especially in the bikini she wears for most of the film’s climax, but as far as personality goes she is a total bore.

But you have to feel sorry for her because of one scene. In it, Bond and Goodnight are in Bond’s hotel room having a hot-and-heavy makeout sesh when the hotel room’s door slowly begins to open. Bond hides Goodnight under the covers and prepares for action, only to discover that his visitor is Andrea Anders, who wants Bond to kill Scaramanga. You can probably guess what else she wants, so when she goes into the bathroom to, uh, slip into something more comfortable, Bond hauls poor Goodnight out from under the covers and shoves her in the closet, where she is forced to stay while Bond hooks up with Andrea.

Is this worse than Bond tricking Solitaire into sleeping with him in Live and Let Die? It might very well be, but the fact that I even have to ask this question is clearly problematic in and of itself. It makes Bond look like an absolute cad, and yes, Goodnight later sleeps with Bond anyway, despite being unceremoniously shoved in a closet while Bond hooks up with another woman. Goodnight may be a ditz but she seems like a sweetheart, she didn’t deserve such treatment.

There’s also Scaramanga’s henchman Nick Nack, played by Herve Villechaize, a four-foot-tall actor. To be honest, I kind of liked Nick Nack, even if watching he and Bond try to kill each other is a bit…weird. And Nick Nack speaks with such a strong French accent that I had to keep turning on subtitles to understand what he said. Still, he’s certainly unique among Bond henchmen, even if Bond eventually defeats him by, er, stuffing him in a suitcase.

The film also has a fun final confrontation, with Bond and Scaramanga squaring off in a one-on-one showdown on Scaramanga’s private island. Bond’s Walther PPK against Scaramanga’s golden gun. Since Scaramanga’s weapon only fires one bullet, Bond comments that six bullets in his PPK versus Scaramanga’s single bullet doesn’t sound like fair odds.

“I only need one,” Scaramanga replies, and thanks to the awesomeness of Christopher Lee, you believe him.

The Man with the Golden Gun is a decidedly mixed bag. This is still a marked improvement over Live and Let Die, which was a bag filled with pure crap. TMWTGG boasts one of the Bond series’ best villains, and there is a good movie to be made here, but the movie we got is really not it. It comes close at times but the filmmakers apparently couldn’t resist the urge to insert “comedy” when there didn’t need to be any.

I didn’t even mention the scene where Bond gets attacked by a sumo wrestler and attempts to escape from the wrestler’s crushing grip by grabbing a big ol’ fistful of sumo ass cheek in each hand and twisting them around a bit. When that doesn’t work, he gives the wrestler’s jockstrap a good yank and this eventually forces the wrestler to release Bond.

I also didn’t mention that Scaramanga’s unusual physical feature is that he has three nipples, and Bond impersonates him by, um, wearing a fake third nipple and bluffing his way into Hai Fat’s estate. “He must have found me quite titillating,” Bond later quips. This also results in several close-up shots of men’s nipples, which it’s safe to say are things that most people do not want to look at.

I love the idea of a Bond movie where there is only one villain for Bond to fight, and this movie provides the occasional glimpse of what that might be like, but sadly is mostly overcome by a tidal wave of goofy bullshit that didn’t need to be there at all. At least it’s better than Live and Let Die, and thank God this is the last time we’d see the horrendous J.W. Pepper. Good riddance, you racist asshole.

Fortunately, Moore’s next Bond outing was one that many consider to be his best. It’s The Spy Who Loved Me, and it’s a doozy.

James Bond: The Roger Moore Era – Live and Let Die

I love James Bond. Books, movies, games, you name it. Bond is one of my all-time favorite fictional characters. Recently I’ve been watching the Roger Moore Bond films that were released in the 70’s and 80’s. Moore made seven Bond films from 1973 to 1985, the most of any Bond actor. Technically Sean Connery also made seven, but his last one, 1983’s Never Say Never Again, was produced by a different studio and is not considered an official entry in the Bond series, so it doesn’t count.

Why am I writing about the Moore films instead of going to back to where it all began with Connery? I dunno. Because I’ve been watching the Moore movies lately for whatever reason. I’ll get to Connery eventually. Moore is probably not many people’s favorite 007, but since he played Bond seven times there had to have been at least a couple good movies in there somewhere, right?

Well, yes. But his first one was not one of them. 1973’s Live and Let Die is a dreadful movie that has not aged well at all. It draws from the Blaxploitation films that were popular at the time, and its attitudes towards race and sexuality are uncomfortable at best, and at times deeply problematic. Live and Let Die was the eighth Bond film, and was loosely based on Ian Fleming’s novel of the same name, which was published in 1954. It was Fleming’s second Bond novel, following Casino Royale which had been published in 1953.

I haven’t read the book in quite some time, but I remember liking it quite a bit. The movie, however, is flat-out terrible. Moore was in his mid-40’s when he made the movie (he was born in 1927), and he certainly looks the part. Bond is tasked with investigating the deaths of three British agents, one who was killed in New York, one in New Orleans and one in the fictional Caribbean nation of San Monique, which is run by a dictator named Dr. Kananga. Live and Let Die is unique among Bond films in that it takes place mostly in America, although as we shall see that is not necessarily a good thing.

Images: MGM
Bond’s investigation leads him to a ruthless gangster named Mr. Big, who runs a chain of restaurants called Fillet of Soul throughout the United States. Bond ends up in Harlem, and is conspicuously the only white person there. When his cab driver, who is black, warns Bond that they’re headed to Harlem, Bond offers him an extra twenty dollars to continue on their current path. “Hey man,” the driver responds, “for twenty bucks I’d take you to a Ku Klux Klan cookout!”

Bond soon encounters Mr. Big, played by Yaphet Kotto, and his assistant Solitaire, played by the transcendently beautiful Jane Seymour. Seymour was 22 when this movie came out, literally half Roger Moore’s age, and the age gap between the two of them will become extremely problematic later on, but we’ll get to that in a bit. Solitaire is a tarot card reader who Mr. Big uses to predict the future. Big promptly orders his men to kill Bond, first proclaiming when Bond tries to introduce himself that “Names is for tombstones, baby!” before instructing his henchmen to “take this honky out and waste him.”

Bond escapes said wasting and travels to San Monique, since there appears to be a connection between Mr. Big and Dr. Kananga, the island’s dictator. There, he discovers expansive poppy fields, and also encounters Solitaire again. It should come as no surprise that Bond and Solitaire end up in bed, but the method Bond uses to seduce her is…troubling.

He sneaks into her house on the island and somehow replaces every card in her tarot deck with The Lovers card, so when he tells her to draw a card from the deck, she inevitably draws The Lovers card which convinces her that she and Bond are meant to, you know, be together. Aside from the fact that this doesn’t make sense logistically (how did Bond find like 50 of these cards?), this is one of the skeeviest things Bond has ever done. Basically it amounts to a man in his mid-forties tricking a naïve young woman half his age into sleeping with him.

I don’t need to explain the problems with this. Just…ick. Let’s move on.

Once Bond and Solitaire have, you know, hooked up, Solitaire loses her ability to “see,” and is worried that Kananga will kill her. They escape to New Orleans and are promptly captured by Mr. Big, where it is revealed that Mr. Big and Dr. Kananga are, to no one’s great surprise, one and the same. The movie seems to think that this is a brilliant twist but it doesn’t make much difference in the overall scheme of things. Like seriously, who cares?

Big/Kananga’s plan is to produce heroin from the poppy fields on San Monique and basically get rich off it and create a bunch of addicts. It’s one of the more low-key Bond villain schemes, honestly. No world domination here. Kananga hands Bond off to his henchman whose name is Tee Hee, who sports a metallic prosthetic arm with a pincer on the end. Tee Hee takes Bond to an alligator farm in the backwoods of Louisiana and leaves him to be consumed by the gators. Bond escapes and the most interminable boat chase in cinematic history begins. Seriously, the boat sequence feels like it goes on forever, and is one of the most boring action scenes I’ve ever seen. It’s just a bunch of boats driving around endlessly.

But it’s made excruciating by the addition of one of the most appallingly horrendous characters in cinematic history.

Say hello to Sheriff J.W. Pepper.

This guy is a tobacco-spittin’, word-slurrin’, stubborn, racist, redneck sumbitch.
He. Is. The. WORST.

When he encounters one of Kananga’s henchmen (who is black), he calls him “boy” and implies that his car is stolen and that it’s not the first time the henchmen has been arrested. Again, I don’t need to explain the problems with this. It’s not funny, like, AT ALL, and it goes on for WAY too long, making the endless boat chase even more interminable. The inclusion of this wretched character is absolutely inexplicable. I try to avoid using this kind of language in my blog posts, but in this case it can’t be helped:

Fuck J.W. Pepper.

Seriously.

Anyway, Bond eventually (finally!) escapes and heads back to San Monique to destroy Kananga’s poppy fields and, um, rescue Solitaire from a voodoo ritual. I forgot to mention that there’s a voodoo aspect to this movie. Kananga basically uses voodoo to scare the locals away from his poppy fields, in a move that can only be described as being worthy of a Scooby-Doo villain. The whole voodoo ritual scene is just painful to watch.

Kananga captures Bond and Solitaire (again) and, in a classic Bond villain move, is about to lower them into a shark tank but Bond escapes (again) and kills Kananga with what Wikipedia describes as “a compressed-gas pellet used in shark guns,” which causes Kananga to inflate like a balloon and fly into the ceiling before exploding. When Solitaire asks what happened to Kananga, Bond replies “He always did have an inflated opinion of himself,” which I have to admit is a pretty decent one-liner.

God, this is an awful movie. Its pacing is glacially slow, there’s very little action, the racial and sexual aspects of it are highly problematic, and it has one of the worst characters in cinematic history. But its greatest sin as a piece of entertainment is that it’s BORING. By my estimation, it takes an hour and four minutes into this two-hour movie before Bond even throws a punch. I remember renting this movie from Hollywood Video many years ago and being bored to death by it. The racial and sexual stuff didn’t bother me much then but they sure do now.

Wow, what a stinker. The only good things about it are the ethereal beauty of Jane Seymour and Paul McCartney’s very catchy theme song, as well as a good performance from a very young-looking Roger Moore. The rest of it is borderline-unwatchable. This is a movie for Bond enthusiasts only, and now that I’ve watched it I never want to experience this abomination again. Maybe the racial and sexual stuff wasn’t that weird in 1973, but watching Live and Let Die in 2019 can best be described as a profoundly uncomfortable experience.

It’s really a shame because the book is one of Fleming’s best, but man does this movie suck. For my money it’s one of the worst Bond films. The Moore movies would eventually get better, but they didn’t get off to a good start. At all.

Well, I was originally planning to cover multiple movies in one post, and I may still do that, but this post ended up being quite a bit longer than I had anticipated so I’m going to end it here. Moore’s next Bond film was The Man with the Golden Gun. Was it better than the rancid pile of crap that was Live and Let Die? It would be hard to be worse!

And just because she’s so beautiful, here’s another picture of Jane Seymour.

2015: The Year in Villainy

Another year, another roundup of baddies. There were a lot of big-franchise movies this year, with a lot of big-name villains, as well as a couple of memorable new (evil) faces. Without further ado, let’s get to the villainy!

Richmond Valentine in Kingsman: The Secret Service

2015 villains valentine

Samuel L. Jackson played one of the most unique villains of the year. A billionaire who wants to destroy humanity because he believes they are a disease that must be exterminated in order to save the planet, he speaks with a lisp and grows nauseous at the sight of blood. He’s also got a first-rate evil lair hidden in the mountains, protected by surface-to-air missiles and an army of henchmen. He may not be the scariest villain of the year, given the film’s comedic tone, but certainly one of the most entertaining.

Deckard Shaw in Furious 7

2015 villains shaw

I love Jason Statham, and he doesn’t usually play bad guys, so it was really fun to watch him cut loose and turn to the dark side for a while. I’ll admit that his character didn’t have all that much personality, but every time he showed up in the movie, his appearance was accompanied by a fight, shootout, or ridiculous car chase. He kicked plenty of ass, and probably got his hands dirty more than any other villain on this list, which earns him a spot as one of my favorite villains of 2015.

Ultron in Avengers: Age of Ultron

2015 villains ultron

For a while, Gollum was the most realistic digital character around, but some of the recent Marvel movies have given old Smeagol a run for his money (Rocket and Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy are other examples of this). But in terms of digitally-created villains, Ultron steals the show. Age of Ultron was a mixed bag, the story was a bit of a mess and the whole film felt overstuffed, but it was still plenty of fun and James Spader gave a fantastic performance as the titular villain. He gave Ultron distinctive mannerisms that made him feel like much more than just your average everyday murderous robot. When you’ve got five or six superheroes in one movie, you need a villain capable of standing up to all of them, and Ultron fit that description perfectly.

Immortan Joe in Mad Max: Fury Road

2015 villains immortan joe

I may be biased here because Mad Max: Fury Road was far and away my favorite movie of 2015, but Immortan Joe was also my favorite villain of 2015. A classic dictator and a first-class bullshit artist, Immortan Joe was the kind of villain who would scare the pants off you, but he was so magnetic you couldn’t take your eyes off that terrifying visage. He was the kind of villain you love to hate, and his was also one of the most viscerally and emotionally satisfying deaths of the year. When Charlize Theron’s equally-badass Furiosa hooked his mask to the wheel of his truck and ripped half his face off, it was enough to make you want to stand up and cheer.

John Connor in Terminator Genisys

2015 villains connor

You’ve got to give the makers of Terminator Genisys some credit. It took some serious cojones to make John Connor, the savior of humanity in the previous Terminator films, the bad guy in the most recent installment. That would be like making Harry Potter a dark wizard. But what one hand gives, the other hand takes away, since the reveal of Connor as the bad guy was relentlessly spoiled in every bit of the film’s advertising. Posters, trailers, you name it, all of it gave away the big twist. It was really too bad, since it hugely undermined the film’s big reveal of the villain. Jason Clarke still did solid work in the role, but the damage was done and the twist didn’t have as much of an impact as it should have. Still, it took balls, and I do have to give the filmmakers some credit for that.

Yellowjacket in Ant-Man

2015 villains yellowjacket

Ant-Man was great fun, one of the most purely entertaining movies I saw this year. And it just makes sense that Ant-Man’s nemesis would be another insect-based character. Yellowjacket had the same shrinking abilities as Ant-Man, but of course he added more laser guns, as any self-respecting villain probably would. The climactic battle between Ant-Man and Yellowjacket is one of the most unique in all of cinema. You will not find anything else quite like it, and that alone makes the movie worth checking out.

Solomon Lane in Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation

2015 villains lane

The fifth installment in the venerable spy series was all about providing Tom Cruise’s superspy Ethan Hunt with equals. Newcomer Rebecca Ferguson neatly stole the movie as slinky, sexy spy Ilsa Faust, who was every bit the equal to Cruise’s character, but she’s not on this list because she was not the villain. That title belongs to Solomon Lane, the devious criminal mastermind who managed the difficult task of frequently out-maneuvering Ethan Hunt himself. He’s a shadowy figure for much of the film, speaking in a silent, raspy voice that drips with menace. The villain in the previous Mission: Impossible movie was a bit flat, but Solomon Lane more than made up for that.

Franz Oberhauser in Spectre

2015 villains oberhauser

Spectre was a bit of a comedown after the awesomeness that was Skyfall, and that included the film’s villain. Christoph Waltz is an amazing actor, and it’s always fun to watch him be evil, but his character was not quite as memorable as Javier Bardem’s was in Skyfall. Still, Waltz is more than up to the task of being a Bond villain. Few actors provide more reliable villainy than Waltz, and he does so again here. There’s nothing really wrong with his character or his performance, but it would be tough for anyone to follow up Javier Bardem’s villainous turn in Skyfall, even an actor of Waltz’s caliber. But it’s still a kick to watch Waltz do his thing, even if his character wasn’t all it could have been.

Kylo Ren in Star Wars: The Force Awakens

2015 villains kylo ren

Don’t worry, this entry will be spoiler-free. Although, given the ridiculous amount of money Episode VII has already made, most people reading this will have probably already seen it. But on the off chance that you haven’t seen it yet, I won’t give anything major away. Suffice to say that Kylo Ren’s true identity drops a pretty big bombshell in the middle of the Star Wars mythos. He’s played by an actor named Adam Driver, who I was unfamiliar with, but I thought he did a pretty great job playing a role that he must have known would be carefully scrutinized by legions of rabid fans. The Force Awakens was a hell of a ride, and it did exactly what it was supposed to do, in that it left you wanting more, and wanting more NOW. It’ll be a few years before we get to see the continuation of the story, but I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for everyone’s new favorite dark Jedi.

So there you have it, the best of the best of 2015’s villainous vagabonds. There are plenty of big movies coming in 2016, including a whole slew of comic-book movies that feature some truly iconic baddies (does the name the Joker ring a bell?), so I’ll see you at the movie theater.

Day of the Dead

James Bond is my second-favorite fictional character of all time, second only to Batman (and it’s a very close second). A new Bond movie is always an event for me, so needless to say I had been eagerly anticipating Spectre ever since it was first announced.

And for me, the movie mostly did not disappoint. The movie is Daniel Craig’s fourth outing as the world’s most famous spy, and the second for director Sam Mendes. Craig and Mendes had their work cut out for them, since their previous Bond film, 2012’s Skyfall, was the most successful film in the franchise’s 50+ year history, earning rave reviews, multiple Oscars, and more than a billion dollars in worldwide box office revenue.

So, yeah, Skyfall was always going to be a tough act to follow, and it’s not too surprising that Spectre does not entirely live up to the high standard set by its predecessor. The reviews for the new film have been decidedly mixed, but I still enjoyed Spectre quite a bit, despite its flaws.

spectre poster

The movie makes a strong first impression, with one of the best opening sequences in the series’ history. The film opens in Mexico City during the Day of the Dead celebration, and we follow Bond, dressed in skeleton suit, skull mask, and top hat as he follows a mysterious individual. This eventually leads to a collapsing building, a frantic chase through the teeming crowds, and a desperate battle in a helicopter. It’s a great start to the movie, exciting and mysterious, and immediately gives the movie a sense of mystery and ominously impending doom.

The movie’s song, unfortunately, is nowhere near as good as Adele’s Skyfall theme song. The opening credits song is performed by Sam Smith, and in my opinion, the song sucked. Maybe Smith’s style just isn’t really my thing, but man, I thought that song was awful, and it can’t help but be compared to Adele’s Oscar-winning song for Skyfall and be found severely lacking. The credits sequence itself, aside from the dreadful song, isn’t bad, full of skulls, octopi, and of course, silhouetted writhing naked women.

After Mexico City, we return to London, where Bond is being chewed out by his boss M (now played by Ralph Fiennes, after the death of Judi Dench’s M in Skyfall) for having caused yet another minor international incident (“It could have been worse,” Bond says). Bond is put on probation and told not to leave London. It should go without saying that he promptly ignores this order and embarks on a secret, and what turns out to be a very personal, mission.

spectre psotre2

I won’t say too much about the rest of the plot since I don’t want to spoil anything, but like I said earlier, it turns out to be a very personal mission with a sneering villain who has a very personal interest in 007.

Said villain is played by the great Christoph Waltz, who was born to play a Bond villain. To say any more about him would be to giving too much away, so I’ll save some of my analysis of him for my yearly villain roundup in a few months. Waltz gives a solid performance, as you would expect, but he’s not quite as memorable as Javier Bardem in Skyfall.

In some ways, Waltz’s performance feels a bit like something we’ve seen before, since it’s not all that different from the evil Nazi he played in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. It’s still a good performance though, and Waltz looks like he’s enjoying himself. And how could you not be enjoying yourself, when given the chance to play a freaking Bond villain? How much fun would that be?

And that’s what this movie is, really: fun. Bond movies have always been great escapism, and Spectre is no exception. It’s not perfect, and it’s not as good as Casino Royale or Skyfall, but I still had a lot of fun with it and it was certainly never boring (And just for the record, I still liked Quantum of Solace, despite the bad reputation it has).

I will admit that there are some aspects of the plot that didn’t entirely work for me. I won’t say exactly what those were, but some of it just didn’t entirely gel. I didn’t have trouble following the plot, though, it’s just that some of it was a bit sketchy.

The movie certainly delivers on the action though. Aside from the stellar opening sequence, there are a couple car chases, a boat/helicopter chase, and a knock-down drag-out train brawl, among others. All of these scenes are well-shot and easy for the viewer to follow, they’re not too choppily edited or filmed in such extreme close-up that it’s hard to tell what’s going on.

spectre action

One of the most remarkable things to me about the Daniel Craig Bond films is that they make Bond feel like an actual person. In the past, movie Bond has sometimes seemed like little more than a vehicle for cool stuff to happen around, and not many of the previous films really delved into Bond as a character. But with Craig in the role, Bond really resonates as an actual human being, and you care about him on a personal level, instead of just wanting him to survive so he can get the girl and save the world and all that. That’s pretty amazing to me, and I love that the filmmakers have taken the character in that direction. Spectre may or may not be Craig’s last Bond outing, and as such there’s already talk of rebooting the character, but to me all of that is just a load of bunk. Craig’s Bond flicks have proved that there is more to the character than just girls, guns, and gadgets, and I hope the makers of future Bond installments will keep that in mind.

And of course, Spectre still delivers on the girls, guns, and gadgets. Bond gets another beautiful tricked-out Aston Martin to play with (and inevitably destroy), and there are of course some lovely ladies. Monica Bellucci, who is now 51, makes history as the oldest Bond “girl,” and despite now being in her fifties, still looks like a million bucks. She’s barely in the movie though, which is kind of a shame.

spectre monica

The main love interest role goes to French actress Lea Seydoux, whose role I again can’t say too much about with spoiling everything. But I can say that she and Craig have great chemistry, and I thought that their relationship worked on a level beyond just your typical throwaway love interest. She’s really integral to the story, and Seydoux did a great job selling it.

spectre lea

There’s also a hulking henchman played by Dave Bautista (Drax the Destroyer from Guardians of the Galaxy), who is a classic silent henchman, a massive brute who barely says a word, he just keeps coming.

The movie’s real scene-stealer, though, is Ben Whishaw’s Q, a thoroughly lovable nerd who actually gets the opportunity to get out in the field a bit with 007 this time around. I always like it when Bond movies give Q more to do than just give Bond gadgets and chide him for always destroying the beautiful cars, and the last couple Bond movies have done great work with the character. And Whishaw really is just perfect in the role, every time he appears onscreen it’ll just make you happy.

Overall, Spectre is a bit of an uneven experience, but I still enjoyed it. The plot doesn’t always work and with a runtime of 2 hours and 28 minutes it can’t help but feel a little overlong. But it’s well-made, well-acted and consistently entertaining, and you can’t ask for much more than that.

Some More Really Bad Movies

One year ago, on my 25th birthday, I wrote about bad movies. It was a fun post to write, and so I decided to make it a birthday tradition to write about bad movies every year. There were seven really bad movies on that first list, and today, on my 26th birthday, here are seven more.

The Avengers (the other one)

Before you get angry, I am not referring to the movie with Iron Man, Thor, Captain America and the Hulk. No, no. That movie was awesome. I am referring to this one:

bad movies2 avengers

This movie was bad. Really, really bad. I am unable to recount many details about this one, since the memory of it has (mercifully) faded over the years, but it always stands out in my memory as one of the absolute worst films I have ever seen. Bad acting, bad special effects, bad plot, bad directing, bad everything. It’s made even worse by the fact that I watched the original British TV show of the Avengers from the 60’s on VHS with my family when I was a kid. And the show was great, sure it was goofy and campy in that very 60’s kind of way, but it was a lot of fun.

And those of you who know Diana Rigg as Olenna Tyrell from Game of Thrones might be surprised to learn that she used to look like this…

emmapeel

She’s also the only woman to ever marry James Bond. So yeah, she’s awesome, and The Avengers in the 60’s were awesome, but the 1998 Avengers movie was not.

Diamonds are Forever

bad movies2 bond

Despite how great that poster is, this movie sucked. I love James Bond, but fortunately I am still able to recognize a bad movie when I see one, and this one is in my opinion the worst Bond film ever made. The plot is incomprehensible, the acting is bad, the special effects are crappy, it just sucks. If it weren’t part of one of the longest-running and most successful film franchises of all time, it would have been instantly forgotten. Sure, Roger Moore made some stinkers (A View to a Kill, anyone?), but this one beats them all. Just utter crap.

xXx: State of the Union

bad movies2 xxx

I’ll admit: I liked the original movie xXx, starring Vin Diesel. Sure it’s dumb, but I always kind of enjoyed it. Call it a guilty pleasure. This sequel, however, is just plain bad. They replaced Diesel with rapper Ice Cube, who has all the charisma of his namesake. And speaking of bad James Bond movies, this movie was directed by Lee Tamahori, who, as the above poster reminds us, directed another really bad Bond movie, Die Another Day, which you will recall was the Bond movie with the invisible car and the sun laser and the ice palace, among other nonsense.

State of the Union is chock-full of nonsense as well, and not even Samuel L. Jackson and Willem Dafoe as the villain could save this one from crashing and burning. The producers wanted to make kind of an American James Bond series, with different stars taking the role of xXx, but this movie was so bad it stopped the franchise dead in its tracks.

For the record, Lee Tamahori may have made two really bad action movies, but he has made at least one genuinely good film called The Devil’s Double, about Saddam Hussein’s son Uday. Watch that instead of this.

Made Of Honor

bad movies2 made of honor

I think this might be a first for my blog: a romantic comedy! Unfortunately, it is also not a first for my blog, because it’s awful. I watched this with my mom (or at least we attempted to) and we were both shocked at how bad it was. The premise is contrived (guy and gal are best friends, she gets engaged to someone else and asks him to be her maid of honor, he has to contend with jealous bridesmaids and of course it takes an excruciatingly long time for guy and gal to realize they’re made for each other) and the movie wastes the chemistry of Patrick Dempsey and Michelle Monaghan as the leads.

I forget if I’ve mentioned this before, but I really like Michelle Monaghan as an actress (go watch Kiss Kiss Bang Bang if you haven’t already, I’m pretty sure I’ve recommended it before; Monaghan was also really good in HBO’s True Detective) but this movie utterly wasted her. The jokes aren’t funny, the appealing leads are wasted in a terrible script that doesn’t know what to do with them, and the whole movie just feels like it goes on forever. I can’t really recommend any good romantic comedies, but at least I can recommend that you don’t watch this one.

Pride and Glory

bad movies2 pride and glory

I saw this one in the theater, and it was so bad I almost walked out, which is something I never do. I sat through all 165 minutes of Transformers: Age of Extinction (IN 3D, no less) but even that was a more pleasant viewing experience that this clichéd mess. Unpleasant, overlong, and just plain bad. The plot was hard to follow, all of the characters were jerks, and the language was horrendous (nearly 300 f-bombs). And it contains one of the most atrociously misguided and upsetting scenes I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing, in which Colin Farrell’s character threatens a clearly-upset infant with a hot laundry iron. It’s an appalling scene, and it would be enough to sink the whole movie by itself, but it doesn’t have to because everything else about the movie sucks too.

The Spirit

bad movies2 the spirit

I watched this movie for free on Hulu one night and it was so awful I wanted to ask someone for my money back. Frank Miller has written and drawn some great graphic novels, and he co-directed two Sin City movies (I haven’t seen the new one but the original is really good), but as a solo director…yikes. The Spirit is a mess. The acting is terrible (Samuel L. Jackson’s scenery-chewing is particularly cringe-worthy), the plot is absolute nonsense, and Miller’s attempts to emulate the visual style of the Sin City movies (black and white with splashes of color) fall utterly flat. For example, when a guy gets shot and falls to the ground, his chest is covered with white splotches that are meant to be bloody gunshot wounds, but you can’t help thinking that the poor sod just got divebombed by a flock of incontinent seagulls. There are plenty of beautiful women in the movie, but Miller has absolutely no idea what to do with them aside from simply offering them up as eye candy. The Spirit is one of the worst comic-book adaptations of all time, which is really saying something in a world where Joel Schumacher’s Batman and Robin exists.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

bad movies 2 pirates

The second Pirates of the Caribbean movie gets a lot of flack, much of it deserved, but I still find some things to like about it (mostly the Kraken. I do love me a good sea monster). The third Pirates movie, however, has almost nothing to recommend it. None of the cliffhangers from the second movie are resolved satisfyingly, the plot is impossible to keep track of, and the whole damn thing is nearly three hours long. How did a movie series based on an amusement-park ride get to be so freaking complicated? I love the first Pirates movie as much as the next person, but the franchise just went completely downhill after the first one. I never saw the fourth one (aside from bits and pieces on TV here and there) and I never felt like I was missing anything.

So there you have it, seven more really bad movies. Join me next September 23 for seven more! My birthday present to myself is once again that I don’t have to watch any of these.